Before I begin with this entry, I'd like to say something about it. This is hard for me. I generally shy away from talking about my faith, especially when I don't really know the person I'm talking to. Parts of my faith will sometimes creep into conversations I'm having but very rarely does it become the focus. It's probably because I know what it's like to have someone preach to you, no, at you. To be told how lost you are and if you just do ___, you'll find so much happiness. I don't think I've ever wanted to slap someone as much as I did in that moment. It was like they didn't even see me. I felt like instead of me they were seeing a number or a tally mark they wanted to add to some list. When I look back, I now see that their actions were rooted in good but took a wrong turn somewhere on the way. I've also come to realize that my reaction, the hatred I had in my heart, was misguided and only keeping me further away from God.
I want you to know: it is not at all my intention to push my beliefs on you or make you feel like you are wrong or lost. My intention is simply to share. To share something that I believe in and has become fundamental to who I am. You don't have to read what I've written next, but I ask you to. To just read it, and let me know if you have any questions, if there is anything I need to clarify or explain. Like I said, I don't have much practice with this.
I have always, well at least for as long as I can remember, been the girl who could find a loop hole. I love going through the ins and outs - finding the cracks in someone's logic to discover the answer I wanted with what they provided. I was always asking questions. You know those annoying 4 or 5 year old kids who go, "Why? Why? Why?" over and over again? Yeah - that was me. Well, I'm sure I was never annoying. What I've now realized though is that for me, the root of all of this very non-annoying behavior was wanting to know the truth. Truth is absolute. There is no way around what is and isn't true. To someone who knew you could always find a way to bend the rules or inspire doubt in another's position, this was very comforting. Doubt didn't exsist when I knew the truth. The only problem is that when dealing with matters of religion and belief so much of the truth is found in faith. This concept is not exactly easy to explain to a 9 year old asking tough questions and expects answers that can't be debated. It took me a very long time to understand that faith is not weak. Faith is not for those who just haven't thought of a better answer to your question. Faith is the leap you choose to take because you believe someone will catch you.
It wasn't until relatively recently that I was able to take that leap. I realize now that probably my biggest blessing has been my family. I was being prayed for before I was even born. My mom was a very large part of why I never fully turned away from God. Besides actually answering all my questions to the best of her ability, she was and is a powerfully good influence who was strong enough to keep our family in the church until I was able to witness the love of God for myself. I just recently learned that my grandfather had a habit of saying the rosary in the morning. I have been blessed with the opportunity to go places, meet people, and see things that have changed me. Faith comes in stages, at least for me it did. It's almost as if I was walking up to the ledge and leaning over before deciding to take that leap. Walking up to that ledge was me finally, completely accepting and believing in God's exsistance. I leaned over as it became clear that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and that He truly is my savior. Leaping, the hard part, was choosing to live for Him, and I only began to really understand the meaning of that last year.
Before, I questioned God's very existence. Now I see God everywhere: in the beauty of the sky, in a stranger's smile, in the heart of the beautiful friends he's blessed me with. And because of Him, I am less lost then I ever been and there is no more doubt.
I want you to know: it is not at all my intention to push my beliefs on you or make you feel like you are wrong or lost. My intention is simply to share. To share something that I believe in and has become fundamental to who I am. You don't have to read what I've written next, but I ask you to. To just read it, and let me know if you have any questions, if there is anything I need to clarify or explain. Like I said, I don't have much practice with this.
I have always, well at least for as long as I can remember, been the girl who could find a loop hole. I love going through the ins and outs - finding the cracks in someone's logic to discover the answer I wanted with what they provided. I was always asking questions. You know those annoying 4 or 5 year old kids who go, "Why? Why? Why?" over and over again? Yeah - that was me. Well, I'm sure I was never annoying. What I've now realized though is that for me, the root of all of this very non-annoying behavior was wanting to know the truth. Truth is absolute. There is no way around what is and isn't true. To someone who knew you could always find a way to bend the rules or inspire doubt in another's position, this was very comforting. Doubt didn't exsist when I knew the truth. The only problem is that when dealing with matters of religion and belief so much of the truth is found in faith. This concept is not exactly easy to explain to a 9 year old asking tough questions and expects answers that can't be debated. It took me a very long time to understand that faith is not weak. Faith is not for those who just haven't thought of a better answer to your question. Faith is the leap you choose to take because you believe someone will catch you.
It wasn't until relatively recently that I was able to take that leap. I realize now that probably my biggest blessing has been my family. I was being prayed for before I was even born. My mom was a very large part of why I never fully turned away from God. Besides actually answering all my questions to the best of her ability, she was and is a powerfully good influence who was strong enough to keep our family in the church until I was able to witness the love of God for myself. I just recently learned that my grandfather had a habit of saying the rosary in the morning. I have been blessed with the opportunity to go places, meet people, and see things that have changed me. Faith comes in stages, at least for me it did. It's almost as if I was walking up to the ledge and leaning over before deciding to take that leap. Walking up to that ledge was me finally, completely accepting and believing in God's exsistance. I leaned over as it became clear that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and that He truly is my savior. Leaping, the hard part, was choosing to live for Him, and I only began to really understand the meaning of that last year.
Before, I questioned God's very existence. Now I see God everywhere: in the beauty of the sky, in a stranger's smile, in the heart of the beautiful friends he's blessed me with. And because of Him, I am less lost then I ever been and there is no more doubt.
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